A Stupid Little Thing Called Shipping
by ally-kat312
Summary: Fingerbang, the current hottest boy band, has a lot of devoted fans. But maybe these fans should be a little less devoted.


"_Alright, thanks for coming out tonight! Once again, we are Fingerbang! Goodnight!"_

* * *

"Dude, I'm exhausted," Stan groaned as the band walked to their backstage dressing room. "And my throat is killing me." Kyle laughed.

"That's what happens when Cartman wants to make a million dollars," he said. They never had expected Cartman's "boy band" scheme to work honestly. Especially after that mall disaster when they were kids. But here they were- Fingerbang, the hottest boy band of the season. They even were able to recruit Craig as their fifth member, who acted as their "loner wolf" type. Well, they were able to recruit him after they promised this band wouldn't wind them up in Peru with giant guinea pigs. It took a lot of convincing. Cartman grinned and threw his arms around Stan and Kyle.

"I told you assholes this would make us rich," he said. "Should've listened to me sooner."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever fatass," Stan said, but he was smiling. Kyle shook Cartman off his shoulder and collapsed on the couch. He was tired. Their tour was almost over and he couldn't wait for the end. Kenny sat down on the couch beside him and gave a knowing smile. Craig stood aloof in the doorway, his arms crossed as he looked at the rest of them.

"You guys know we have fans coming in soon right?" he said in a deadpan. Stan nearly choked on the water he had been in the middle of drinking. Cartman and Kyle exchanged confused and slightly irritated glances. Kenny just grinned.

* * *

It wasn't that they hated fans, or even disliked them. The five loved their fans, the band wouldn't be anywhere without them. They were just really fucking tired right now. But after Cartman whining about needing to keep up good appearances and Kenny's ever-eager attitude and Craig's nonchalance to literally everything that ever happened, the five stood together as a group of pre-teen girls excitedly stepped into their hangout area. Kyle gritted his teeth as a few of them screamed happily at the sight of the band. His headache didn't any high pitched sounds at the moment. He felt Stan take his hand and squeeze it slightly, reassuring him that they could rest later. Kyle smiled to his best friend and ran his thumb quickly over the back of Stan's hand. It was nice to have someone who always understood. Stan smiled back.

"Don't touch that," Craig tersely snapped to a fan who had picked up Kenny's hat that had been lying on the couch. The girl blushed in embarrassment and slowly set the visor down. Kenny hit Craig's shoulder playfully and flashed his winning lopsided grin.

"Touchy touchy. Don't worry, Craig just always has something up his ass. It's cool, you can touch my shit. I don't care," he said. Kyle shot him a slightly angry look for cussing, then he heard Stan mutter "Goddamn it Kenny" under his breath.

"Stan," he frowned. Stan gave an apologetic smile and Cartman patted him on the back.

"Don't worry Stan, Kyle is just being a prude Jew like always," he said. Kyle was ready to grab Cartman and smack him.

"Shut up fatass!" he yelled, then realized what a hypocrite he was being and silently fumed instead. Kenny laughed and clapped.

"You four will be the death of me," Craig drawled, massaging his temples and looking annoyed with all of them. Stan, peacemaker as usual, smiled to the fans who had been watching their argument seemingly worried.

"Sorry about that you guys," he apologized. "We're all pretty close, but we do get into fights sometimes." One of the girls leaned close to her friend and whispered something, making the two giggle. Not exactly the reaction he had thought would happen. Stan looked at the rest of the band awkwardly, unsure of what to do next. Kyle was still glaring daggers at Cartman who was grinning smugly back at him. Craig was looking at Kenny and muttered something, smirking slightly. Kenny put an arm around him, fake flirting with him as Craig pushed him off. A few more fans giggled.

* * *

"Yeah, I guess it's a pretty stressful life," Cartman said, young girls gathered around him like he was God and every word he spoke was a new decree of life. And he was absolutely loving it. "I mean, you always gotta stick true to your original message, you know? But it's so hard when you have Jews like Kyle messing you up."

"Do you have any idea how offensive you're being Cartman?!" Kyle scowled. Stan put a hand on his shoulder, giving him a "dude, not now" look. Kyle sighed and nodded his head. Cartman snickered and was about to make another rude comment when Stan shot him the same look. The chubby brunette shut his mouth but it wouldn't last for long.

"So, do you lovely ladies have any more questions for us?" Kenny asked, sprawled across the couch with girls on one arm and Craig on his other. "Or do we sign shit now and then let you go?"

"I'd rather skip to the leaving part," Craig commented and earned an exasperated sigh from his fellow band members. A young blonde girl tentatively raised her hand, and Kyle smiled to her, gesturing for her to go ahead and speak. She smiled, blushing slightly, and then asked a question none of them had ever expected they would be asked:

"Um, about all the band shipping- you guys are dating each other right?"

The look on each one of their faces was indescribable. The first to speak was Stan.

"Uh… what?" he said stupidly.

"Well, you're obviously dating Craig and Kenny is dating Kyle but having an affair with Cartman on the side, right?" The girl wasn't bluffing at all. Kyle was looking back and forth between Kenny and Cartman like they had caught on fire. Cartman's face was scrunched up in disgust, probably thinking how he would never date someone poor like Kenny. Well Kenny wasn't that poor anymore but still. Craig actually showed some emotion through a raised eyebrow and if Stan had been drinking water, he would've done another spit-take. Instead he just started silently stammering in confusion. Kenny was the only one grinning, probably glad he was assumed to have two lovers. The fangirls were retaliating, however, over the initial pairings.

"What? No way! Stan and Kyle are totally dating. Just look at the way they look at each other! Plus they're childhood besties."

"Yeah! And then Cartman is totally jealous of them but never says anything because of how broken up inside he is."

"Why would he be jealous? Kyle is HIS. They're in such a total love-hate relationship."

"Uh, no? Cartman doesn't respect Kyle like, ever. And Cartman's dating Stan anyways. That's why Kyle belongs to Craig, idiot!"

"But I thought Kenny and Craig were together because they both don't care what people think of them? The sexy and the lone wolf kind of chemistry is so hot, you can't deny that."

"You're ALL wrong. Kenny is fucking everyone in the band."

"No, you're wrong bitch!"

"You're the bitch!"

The girls broke out in screaming at each other, fighting and pushing and tugging each other's hair. Names and curses were thrown around as they argued over one thing that should never be brought up- shippings. Meanwhile, the five boys were all looking at each other with mixed expressions of shock and horror. Kyle and Stan kept trying to look at each other but every time they made eye contact, they looked away. They were just friends, right? What made their fans think otherwise? Cartman had his nose turned up in the air, an angry blush on his face, muttering something about there was no way he would ever date a Jew or poor person or any of these assholes in this stupid band. Craig was simply flipping everyone off.

"I like the part where I get to fuck everyone," Kenny smirked, somehow pleased by all of the drama unfolding. His comment only added more fuel to the fire.

* * *

Kyle's head and ears were throbbing. How many more time would he have to hear his and his friend's names shrieked by young girls who were reading too much into small gestures? Could he not brush by or even look at anyone anymore without people seeing nonexistent subtext underneath it? He wanted all of it to just stop. All of this stupid "shipping" was completely unnecessary. Why couldn't people just enjoy Fingerbang's music and stop there? He looked around at his fellow band members, who each looked ready to beat up the fans. Even Kenny was beginning to look annoyed, tensed up and his fists curled. He wasn't sure what was even holding them back. That did it.

"Enough!" he shouted, getting everyone's attention. The girls stopped fighting, some mid-pull on another's ponytails. "Look at yourselves! Can't you see this arguing is tearing you apart? And over something that isn't even real." Kyle sighed. He hadn't done this in a long time, but now was certainly the time to start again. "You know, I learned something today. Fans can get caught up in petty disagreements over something that might be important, but is really nonexistent. Sometimes those petty things can even rule their everyday life and they lose track of reality and fiction. They fight over dumb things that aren't even a part of what they love, and sometimes they start fights just to have something to fight someone about. It hurts all the casual fans and turns away potential new fans. Sometimes even the crazier, err, more intense fans don't see the thing they love as the thing anymore, they just focus on the fandom. They forget the real reason they became a fan. And that real reason was because they liked something and it made them happy." Stan looked up at Kyle gratefully, nodding in agreement. Cartman gave a small smile and put a gentle hand on Kyle's shoulder in appreciation. Craig even blessed him with a respectful nod. Kenny patted Kyle's back and grinned.

"You're right Kyle. People should only be a fan because of the music, or content, or whatever it is that makes something unique. Not some underlying message." The two shared a smile. Just then, the door to their dressing room was opened by Butters, their official manager. He was surprisingly the best manager anyone could ever ask for- he was excellent at keeping track of spending and schedules, something he had picked up from his "kissing company" when all of them were younger. He noticed the clutter in the room that had accumulated while the fans had been fighting and frowned slightly but didn't comment on it. Butters was also great when it came to keeping his mouth shut and not questioning or interfering if he knew what was happening would be bad to be a part of. Another thing he had learned from their childhood adventures.

"Sorry to barge in fellas, but these little ladies need to go now," he said. "It's past these little ladies' visiting time."

"But we never got anything signed!" whined one girl. Craig pulled a box of posters from out of nowhere and put it in front of the crowd of girls. On the poster was their soon-to-be-released album cover with their names signed on the bottom. Oh yeah, Kyle remembered. They had made those earlier for promotional advertisement. Craig nudged the box with his foot, indicating that this was the fans' reward for finally leaving them. Each girl carefully picked up her own poster, then got together in small groups to chat and giggle over how silly their arguing had just been. Yes, Fingerbang was amazing because of their music. Not because all of the band members were very shippable. Butters smiled at the scene, then looked at the exhausted band members and gave them the best news they had heard all night.

"Don't worry, we're on the road for the next day or two. You fellas can get some rest."

"Oh thank God," Cartman groaned. "You guys have no idea how happy I am right now."

"Dude, I think we know," Stan smiled, laughing a little. Everyone else nodded in response.

"Butters," Cartman called to the blonde in the doorway. "Can make sure we have some Cheesy Poofs for the road?"

"We're all stocked up Eric," Butters smiled. "I made sure."

"Sweet," he nodded. Some fans made small "aww" sounds for an odd reason. Butters then started ushering fans out the door, thanking them for coming backstage and being such supportive fans. Once they were all outside, Butters turned and follow them, guiding them away. Balance was restored. Everything was peaceful again. Then, just before the fans were out of earshot, Kenny grinned mischievously and spoke.

"Goddamn Butters has a nice ass, doesn't he?"

Girls turned around, hearing him and then, looking at Butters' shocked blush, began to squeal.

"They're totally a couple!"

"But wait, didn't you see him and Cartman interacting?" one girl protested. "They're on a first name basis, so they must be together!"

"Maybe all THREE of them are together!" another said. Glares were exchanged and scowls formed on faces. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Craig all looked at Kenny's signature grin, amusement twinkling in his eyes, waiting for the next words.

"You're WRONG!"

"Oh goddam it Kenny," Kyle muttered as, once again, the fandom started fighting over a stupid little thing called shipping.

* * *

**A/N: So that was a hot mess of shipping. Wow. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed and leave a review telling me what you thought if you did or didn't!**


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